Trying to Push Through

I never had the misconception that life was going to be easy or that anything was going to be given to me. But there comes a time in your life when you just ask "Damn when am I going to be given a break!" or you are given that break but then something else happens that counteracts it.

This is my life... In 2004 I finally got a descent job, you know one of those jobs that you are almost proud to say you have. I was making a good annual salary and life was going well. I had no problems in my relationship with my spouse and my children were healthy (except for a few broken ribs and lacerated liver). I had a nice car, nice apartment, holidays and birthdays were great, I had medical and dental benefits, I enjoyed my work duties (however, was not so happy with certain personnel), bills were paid, credit was flowing nicely. My baby sister had a new baby boy. Things were going great!

Then on January 1, 2005, it all went down hill, I got into a car accident that later followed with me losing my job, my best friend, my apartment, holidays and birthdays skimpy, and my spouse cheated on me.

2006 seemed to provide some quietness and improvements. I got my associates degree in paralegal studies worked for a medium law firm, I got a new car for the first time with a great deal and things seemed to be headed in the right direction.

Except I was not happy at work... I wanted more. I wanted respect for my knowledge, I wanted what I had back in 2004; great pay, great environment (for the most part), great benefits. Wasn't that the point of paying all that money for a degree anyway?

2007 started to turn things around for me... I moved into a beautiful old Victorian house with my mother, I got custody of my niece and nephew, my children were doing well, financially things were improving, and my spouse and I were finally on a road of improvement. With things moving in a better direction it was time to make the one area of my life that I wasn't happy in different - my job.

2008 seemed to be my year; after all I turned 31, which meant that I was beyond the teen years and over the twenty somethings. I decided to start to network my resume and then I accepted a job where I could be happy again. Where I was paid better, respected for my education, appreciated for my hard work and dedication. My father came home from jail. Things were going the right way.

But then, it happened again... I lost my job. I did not understand what was going on; I thought things were going so well. Things then got worse; I had cervical cancer and had to have a partial hysterectomy. But I was not going to let losing my job or my uterus stop me. I believed with my family beside me that I was going to get the mental, financial, physical, social, and every other type of support one needs during the rough spots especially since they were all under one roof. Boy was I in for a surprise.

My sister moved in to try to reunify her relationship with her children, my mother and father went back to their on and off again relationship, financially everything was slipping away. Things started to spiral out of control once again.

I lost my first new car, my oldest son was doing poorly in school, my mother and father were fighting out of control, my sister continued to live in denial causing problems for her children, my relationship with my own children was strained, my relationship with my spouse was falling apart, we were evicted from my dream home, and I...... I.... I was lost. I had no one to turn to, no one to support me, no one to be my rock.

At the beginning of 2009, the family went different ways; my children, spouse, 2 dogs, a fish, a cat, and myself moved into a little house down the street from my children's elementary school. My mother moved into an apartment of her own, my father moved in with who ever, and my sister seemed to start to pull her self back together.

Now that we are almost halfway through 2009, things are improving in some areas but stagnate in others. My health has improved, my children are doing better in school, my relationship with my children is back to the way it should be, and my relationship with my spouse it good.

But I am still not happy. Financially, I am still fighting to stay afloat; mentally I am trying to pull it all together. I wake up everyday believing that something good will come my way and go to bed disappointed that nothing has changed. I continue to be my families rock and support system not letting them know that I am screaming inside wanting things to be okay, things to feel right, things to not be so hard, things to be the way they once were back in 2004 when I - we were happy. I ask myself these questions everyday but cannot seem to answer them

Am I still lost?
Am I searching for something that will never happen for me?
Am I destined to remain a person who searches for happiness for the rest of her life but never seems to find it?